So I’m sitting here at work wondering how I am going to eat for the next three days.. Funny huh, sitting at ‘work’ wondering such a thing. Eh it’s the whole wait for your first check thing. Anyway, this guy comes in and asks me some pricing on a few items. Then he goes into this story about how he’s out here and can’t find work. He went on to tell me how he was hanging out in front of a Home Depot trying to get leads, etc..

This town is a rough one. And I mean rough. I told him that I completely understand, or the “I feel ya” reaction. He just kept going on and on about it, like he didn’t want to leave. But I understood that like me, he needed to vent about it to someone… Perhaps the venting leads to hope. Sometimes it does for me.

I see a lot of this. And going through a down-turn myself, I can sympathize wholeheartedly. But I feel bad that I can’t help the guy. Shit, I can’t help myself let alone others. For me, I just have to make it a few more days and I can start to get on track with life again. Who knows what he’ll be up to.

I’m lucky to have a job and place to sleep. Just a few months ago this was not the case. Yes, this city is rough, not only trying to survive here, but it’s mentally rough. I can’t describe the feeling of being hungry and walking down the street while people speed by you in their fancy cars, or you see them load into a McDonalds buying more than they need to consume. It fucks with your head big time. I just look down at the ground so I don’t see those people who have comfort, food, and the means to exist, as the sight of them encourages my thought of forever sleep.

Our world is ass-backwards. The lazy seem to live lusciously, while the ass-busters seem to have it the hardest. I can’t be lazy, I just can’t. But when you bust your ass to live, you need justification in your trials. Walking around this city I see the saddest situations going on around me. With the heat blasting down upon my shoulders like a burden from God, I see people digging from trash cans and eating off the sidewalks. I see people so cooked by the sun that they resemble an old catchers glove. The poorness that I see shocks my soul.

The shit we do to survive here… The shit we do for a simple hamburger.

As a man who would love to be a dad, I am struck with discerning thought.

I see folks on my facebook news feed giving love to their fathers.  I get sad about this as I wish so much to be a dad. I would love to raise a child and teach them all that I know. To play with them and sing them songs. I always wanted a daughter, so I can name her Melody. Or perhaps twins, Melody and Harmony. I know I would be a good father. A caring, supportive, and understanding man.

What I observe in this society is what is most disturbing. I see children with less than caring fathers. I see beautiful mothers with beautiful children, yet they are associated with such self serving losers. I see these children and say to myself, “Man, what I would do to be a dad.. But I wont do wrong.” I am a loving man, so the child I would create would be created from love. Not from time and place. Perhaps if I had a child, he or she would save me from my ever burdening thoughts of suicide. Perhaps having a child would give me a new found will to live. Even so, this does not mean I’m going to run out in the world and impregnate the first woman I see. The core of raising a child is love. I’d have to find love first.

Never the less, on this Fathers Day, as I forever dream about the things in this life that I do not have, I say Happy Fathers Day to all of the good men in the world. And I say shame on you to all the dicks that can’t pull out.

Another morning upon waking with mixed thoughts about life. Having learned and lost more often than achieving any particular goals. For a while I would wake each morning and my mind would instantly think about how much I miss Rachel. I would get that heart drop feeling immediately, wishing that I would wake next to her. But in recent days when I would wake, my thoughts would cycle around suicide. I just don’t want to be here. I don’t want to be there either.

Each day I am consumed with feelings of missing someone. These feelings bring me down heavy. It’s not like there is an easy fix for my situation. It’s not like I can just hop a plane back home and be with the one I miss. So I am stuck here, living each day simply missing someone. The thoughts of missing are only the beginning. First I miss her, but then I start to think about the past, and the past just compiles thought upon thought until I literally break down into tears. I think about what I could have done to possibly avoid the loss in my life. I think about the many twist and turns that I could have not taken. My mind is a very visual machine, so when I think, I think in pictures. Images of her and I enter my mind like a slide show. And when I concentrate hard on one of those images, certain features become animated. For example; I will picture her, just like a photograph, then her lips crack a smile, and light becomes alive with motion. It is at this moment when the light moves, is when my heart drops to the floor and my eyes flood with tears. 

Yep, I miss her so very much. The decisions I have made in life, which at the time were justified, are now meaningless. I sit here wishing to run back into the arms of someone’s comforting embrace, but I know that can never be. So again, I am stuck within the limbo of my own demise. A broken man with nothing to live for. I would rather be missed by someone, than to miss anyone.

I struggle with these thoughts more so than ever. And I keep most of them deep inside. But I figure I would post these thoughts on my blog, simply because, what do I have to lose.   I have nothing to gain from posting this. One reason I am keeping much of my thoughts private is because people, as much as they say they care, they don’t. It’s more like a judgement. I used to post my thoughts publicly, more like post my “reaching out”. But time and time again people would return with saying that I am a negative person. I am not negative, I am in pain. And when I post publicly, it means I am hurting to a great degree. And people, regardless of how they think they can help, they don’t. They judge. I don’t want to be judged. I want the compassion of my fellow humans. I want them to see my pain and understand how deeply I ache. I want them to support my head as I cry. But I don’t receive such compassion. Thus is why I often think about death. I want to release the pain the builds. I want to release myself from the hell I have created. The bed for which I lay. You see, in today’s modern society people don’t react in time. When the signs are very evident of something, and you would think people would be aware enough to see them and react appropriately… They justify what they think they see with their own self-fulfilling two cents, when in fact they need to step in with a firm hand and help the situation. Thus is why when something tragic happens, the ‘after the fact’ commentary from the public is always a question of why. This is a failure on the part of being human. We have become self-serving, admit it or not, it’s true.

I struggle with some things at this time in my life. The following is from an email that I sent to someone who I care deeply about. I warn you, this passage deals with the issue of suicide, something that I think about daily. This text is very personal to me, and I hesitate releasing it to the public. But like I said, I struggle with this, and keeping this type of thinking locked up is worse than letting it out. I apologize if you are offended by the issue of suicide, but understand that people suffer from this demon.

When I was at work yesterday, I stood at the work table and placed the point of an exacto knife to the skin at my wrist… I started to cry. I wanted so bad to push the blade. Why..? Because I wanted to release the pain and sorrow that has built up within me. The pain that has manifested into a cancer, eating away at my conscious with each new day. 37 years old and I never thought I would be this alone in life. Walking the scorched streets of this desert city, fending off the harsh rays of the summer sun. With every step I take, thoughts of you weigh heavy upon my head. I cry, yet the dry air quickly vanishes any evidence of tears. Thoughts of the many years laden with trial swirl like a violent tornado leaving a path of destruction through my soul.

Sometimes when I am out, I will see a beautiful girl standing in line in front of me. A sweet girl I can tell, just like you. I get instantly down, my head forced forward with the weight of remorse. I see the beautiful girl and her image is replaced with yours. I talk to myself asking why…. Why can’t my beautiful girl be standing here..? Then I return home to my very minimal comfort, set myself down on a couch and weep in silence wondering why I can’t spent a pleasant Saturday evening with my beautiful girl.

As much as I try to hold on, and I do hold on, I fear my future. I can only go so long seated in this loneliness before the inevitable happens. The pressure of sorrow that builds within me will eventually consume my life. No matter if I move to my own place, or play a thousand shows, the sad truth that I can’t be with my beautiful girl will always torment me. I can’t run back to you based on circumstances, so I must sit and wait. But for what…? It would take a miracle of God to bring you and I together the way I wish us to be. It’s not that I don’t have faith, I do have faith and hope, but very little. It is that I also understand the truth, and I refuse to accept reality.

The pain it feels as if it grows worse more so than it feels that I am healing with time. My mind often thinks back and plays the last two years like a horrible movie. The memories of you wanting to not be with me turn my stomach. The last several weeks and the emotional battering has killed my want to succeed in this life. The battery has caused the sorrow of cancer that grows inside. Because as much as I want to make things right, and to provide us both with happiness, or at least a path to such, I cannot.

Rachel, my most beautiful girl. I don’t know how much longer I can go on. I am left with the most morbid of choice… To deal with the harshness of reality, or to finally push the blade. Man I wish life was as easy as I see it when I view the world of others. I fear for my future now, when a year ago I thought opposite.

I love you, more than my own life. I miss you more than anyone will ever know.

“Something That I always Dream About”

(Click the link above to view this live video on Youtube)

I have always been an awkward person around women. As much as I consider myself to be a romantic man and a great lover, approaching a woman can often leave me buckled at the knee with nervousness. Women intimidate me, especially if I like a specific lady. What is ridiculous is this… I know women like to laugh, so in order to contain my awkward presence, I mask my shyness with humor, which inevitably leaves me more confused than before. 

Something else that has me tripping over my own shoelaces, is my observance of the social dating realm that flows around me. I see guys approach women all the time in various situations, and when I see how they approach, I am like “Whaaaaaa?” Sometimes I see these approaches work, and other times I don’t, but never the less, what it is I see happening is something that I can’t do. I’ve always walked through life thinking that if a pretty girl will notice my good traits and call me out on them, then she was the one for me. But that never happens and I am often left standing in the dark by myself. Every now and again I try to be proactive by smiling and sticking out my chest, but I feel like an animal in the wild competing over the right to mate. 

I’m a simple guy.. well not so much, but I do like simple romance. You know, holding hands, random kisses, cuddles on the couch while speaking about dreams. But it seems that these days, those simple things are not so simple to achieve. Time and time again I find drama and nonsense tainting the what could have been. It seems that people expect this drama when they meet someone, and I don’t supply drama, so I feel like I am looked upon like I am weird.  Well, if it’s drama you want, then it’s drama you get. Sheeesh, if it means a cuddle, kiss, and hug, the I will be as dramatic as you need me to be.

Well anyway, this song, “Something That I Always Dream About”, is a song I wrote regarding my internal fantasies toward women. I often me nice girls and can imagine being close to them, but I fail to bother for reasons less justified than my existence.  

“Something That I Always Dream About” Listen to this song here http://www.reverbnation.com/jinxemgood/song/16976900-something-that-i-always-dream-about

Step by step, hour by hour,

I get lost in your incredible power.

It shuts me down, and tightens my lips,

Has my heart double skipping with my head doing flips.

Intimidated by your loveliness,

Girl I want to tell you that there’s something to confess.

I’m paralyzed when I look into your eyes,

Girl when I tell you it should be no surprise.

To be with a girl like you, is what I wanna do,

And something that I always dream about.

To be with a girl like you, is what I wanna do,

And something that I always dream about.

Beat by beat in my heart of hearts,

Telling me tonight is when our love will start.

So I approach with my nervousness,

Speak my mind with no fear of regrets.

Intimidated by your loveliness,

Girl I want to tell you that there’s something to confess.

I’m paralyzed when I look into your eyes,

Girl when I tell you it should be no surprise.

To be with a girl like you, is what I wanna do,

And something that I always dream about.

To be with a girl like you, is what I wanna do,

And something that I always dream about.

©2013 Jinxemgood Music. All rights reserved.

“Kudos to me, for living thru another day, it’s hard enough as it is, but it’s worse when you’ve lost your way…”

Listen to “Kudos to Carl”

Modern life can give us struggles. Cars, jobs, relationships, MONEY… these items alone can make or break a persons mental balance. I’d like to say that I struggle with mental balance on a daily basis. Especially these days with my endeavors of music within the broken structure of my modern existence. I would always tell myself that I was born during the wrong period of time.  A true renaissance man who can do pretty much anything except be a productive member of society. Never the less, the constant struggle to keep a mental balance haunts me daily.

These days I wrestle with not depression, but sadness.. Not anger, but anxiety. The constant shifting of my comfort zone, sleeping from couch to couch, trekking through the extreme temperatures of the Las Vegas desert… And when I say trek, I mean walking around this city like it’s nothing. But it’s not nothing, it’s my life routine. It’s one of the things I need to do in order to be passionate. It’s no picnic. 110 degrees, walking a mile to a gig while the sun beams down on your face like God’s own personal laser beam. It’s not pretty. Walking, even tho it’s an activity, is still something that I consider to be down time. 

Within down time is when my mind races most. During this time is when I think about my sacrifices and how hard I have to work, which bring on the sadness and anxiety that I speak about. My mental balance is always in question. 

After I play a show, I am as happy and as fulfilled as I could be. But when I come back to the reality of my life, I cry, and cry very hard. But I know these are just feelings of discontent brought on by the struggles that I face in life. I am not mentally ill, I am just burnt out with fighting the good fight… and it gets to me.

On the other hand we have those who have real issues. Problems that perk within their minds like OCD or straight out depression. I wrote a song titled “Kudos to Carl”, a song about a neighbor of mine in Las Vegas. I would observe Carl every day, even several times a day, walk out of his condo to an imaginary door, and unlock it with an imaginary key. He was obviously on public assistance, because as I would struggle to work and eat, Carl would be just fine with weekly grocery delivery. But Carl’s issues were different from mine. He seemed to suffer from something truly mental, where as I suffer from things like loss, and having no zone for which to think or lay my head in peace.

Have a breeze through these lyrics for “Kudos to Carl”:

Carl wears cut-offs, 
Just above the knee, 
Coordinates with a T-shirt, 
As tight as it can be.

He walks the street in circles, 
Draging feet with every stride, 
He stops to poke at random, 
Objects in the sky.

Unlike how normal, 
People operate, 
Carl’s got an issue, 
To some they can relate.

His thoughts they turn in patterns, 
Some lost within his mind, 
Where fear compounds confusion, 
And routine is not far behind.

Well I think, 
It could be OCD, 
Or maybe, 
A case of anxiety, 
Well anyway,

Kudos to Carl, 
For living through another day, 
It’s hard enough as it is, 
But it’s worse when you’ve lost your way.

This song is a snap-shot of my observations in this life. Understanding that we all have issues, some of us greater than others, I’m not afraid to admit that I struggle. So, “Kudos to me, for living thru another day, it’s hard enough as it is, but it’s worse when you’ve lost your way…”

©2013 JiNXEMGOOD Music All Rights Reserved.

~Thoughts about Passion…

                                  There are those who desire to be passionate about something, and those who are passionate about something but they dance with limitation.